


It's Okay

by Sad_Not_Angry



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Humanstuck, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, fuck me up, i might add another chapter of SEX, its just dumb, trigger warning for:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-08-28 07:52:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8437408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sad_Not_Angry/pseuds/Sad_Not_Angry
Summary: Karkat wants to commit suicide, but wants to talk to his crush one more time.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s not like there’s nothing left. It’s just that there’s nothing you want that’s left.

You’re not sure how long depression has been fucking you up, but long enough. 

 

You feel like the whole world is against you. And yeah, that sounds angsty. It is. You just feel like life has left you at the bottom to fend for yourself and you really don’t know why you’re still alive.  
You’ve been skipping meals on a daily basis for the last month because you never feel well any more, and you’ve lost about 7 pounds. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but since it keeps going on, it’s kind of rapid. You’re always cold and shaky and you think your dad is beginning to catch onto what you’ve been planning.

 

You’ve come to terms with the fact that you mean nothing to anyone, at least nothing special. 

 

You’re the backup friend. Someone always has someone they like more than you. You’re just you.  
You’re not special.

 

It’s tonight or your dad might catch on and you’ll have to be in a ward or something terrible, so you load your gun. 

 

No, you’re not doing shit that only “might” work. It’s all or nothing. We’re Kurt Cobaining this shit.

 

You’re quiet, as to not disturb anyone. It’s early. About 2am. You’ve been up contemplating for hours. Earlier, you were trying to get friends to talk to you, trying to find a reason to live. No one really cared to message you back, other than one word answers.

 

You’ve tried messaging everyone who you thought would care. Surprise… No one does.

 

You have had a crush on Dave for a while now. You’re not sure if he knows. You didn’t message him because you thought it would make you too sad, but you really just want to talk to him, at least give him some kind of closure. He’s been so kind to you. He took care of you when he found out that you’ve made a habit of cutting yourself. He reminded you that you’re worth something. He’s been there. 

 

So you message him.

 

“Hi,” you write. To your surprise he messages you back within two minutes. 

 

“It’s late,” he says. 

 

“Can I talk to you on the phone?”

 

“Of course.”

 

You call him, he doesn;t sound tired at all. “I’m beginning to wonder if you ever sleep, Karkat,” he jokes. 

 

“Only sometimes,” you say to him. 

 

You can hear him laugh a little, then his voice is serious, “Are you okay? I’ve noticed things. You want me to come over?”

 

“No, I’ll be okay. I just wanted to talk to someone. You specifically. I need to tell you something without you freaking out. Just hear me out before you go yelling at me.” You say, keeping your voice steady.

 

“You didn’t hurt yourself again, did you? Karkat, I’m worried.”

 

“No, it’s- Well yes, I guess. Yes I did. But that’s not what I wanted to say, I wanted to say-”

 

“Karkat, god damn it, I’m coming over right now.”

 

“No, please don’t,” you say a little too loud, then you lover your voice, “Please, I’m okay.”

 

Dave is quiet, then speaks softly, “What did you want to say? I’ll be quiet. I’ll just listen.”

 

“Okay,” you say, and you take a breath, “Dave, you’ve been really nice to me, even though I don’t deserve it. I’m terrible at socializing, I’m rude and I’m bitter and I’m nihilistic. I really like you, though, because you don’t care. You just kind of deal with it and you’re rude to me back instead of being a little bitch about it.

 

“I know I sound stupid but I really, really like you. I know it’s not going to go anywhere though. Because…” you take a deep breath, “Because, Dave, I’m going to kill myself. And I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing responsibility onto you, because I’m not. I just wanted you know,” your words are filling with tears, “‘Cause sometimes I feel like you’re the only person that really cares about me. I’m really sorry, but you know. You have other friends and you don’t actually need me and you’ll see that.

 

“I’m just there as background noise. And I know it’s weird because I have a crush on you so that probably changes things, makes it weird or whatever. I know I’m not attractive in any way- but whatever. It doesn’t matter. If you could tell Kanaya that I’m sorry, that would mean a lot.” You say. Okay, it’s done. He knows.

 

“Karkat,” Dave sounds different than you’ve ever heard him. He’s upset, “Karkat I swear to shit if you fuckin die on me I’m going to summon your ass straight out of hell and kick it. You’re not going to kill yourself, okay? I’m almost there.” You think you hear him sniffle. 

 

Shit.

 

No this is what you were afraid of. He’s trying to stop you.

 

“No, Dave, please. I don’t have a purpose. I’m no one.”

 

“Karkat,” he says, “Karkat, do me a favor, okay?”

 

“What?”

 

“I know you have meaning, and I know you can’t see it. You think you’re no one, but you’re not, you’re Karkat. But, how about until you realize your meaning in life, you be my boyfriend? Even after that, I don’t care. I’m at your door, by the way. We can do this face to face.”

 

“Dave, please, don’t. I don’t need your pity.”

 

“Fuck, no, I should have told you sooner. I’m sorry. I was going to wait until Halloween because I thought it would be cool. You know, anniversary on Halloween. Dressing up and fucking around. How sick would that be?”

 

“You’re not just fucking with me?” Maybe it’s your trust issues rising up. Maybe he just doesn’t want you to die.

 

“Not yet,” he gives a nervous laugh, “But seriously, please come let me in. We can chill in your room or we can go back to my place. Please just stay with me.”

 

You contemplate quietly, you end up setting your gun down and walking down the stair quietly, opening the door, and letting him in. He follows you to your room and as soon as you close the door, he’s all over you. At first he’s just hugging you and, fuck, he’s crying. You hug him back and he kisses your cheek, then your forehead, then your nose.

 

“Karkat,” he says, looking at you, “Thank you for calling me. I’m sorry, I should have- I don’t know. I should have told you I noticed things seemed bad. I should have talked to you. I’ve had a stupid crush on you for so long, I should have told you, I’m sorry. Really.” You shake your head and sigh. It’s not his fault. Look at what you did, Dave is actually crying. You didn’t know that was possible. 

 

You go over to the bed and you both sit down as Dave gathers himself. He won’t stop touching you, and looking at you. He looks sad. You probably look sad. Even with him here, you still feel so crushingly sad. 

 

“Hey,” he says softly.

 

“What?”

 

“Can I do something?” 

 

“Yeah, uh, sure?”

 

Dave wipes his face and composes himself, then he grabs your hands, “I really like you,” he says, then leans in and places a gentle kiss on your lips.

 

Okay, the feeling is gone now. You’re feeling a warm combat the cold in your chest. When he pulls away, you push back. You’re kissing, no you’re totally making out. You pull him down over your body and he’s just looking at you. “How far do you want to go?”

 

“As far as you want.”


	2. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said this was gonna be sex but that'll be the next chapter lol. This one is for me to get feelings out, and from a wonderful suggestion in the comments by Hello_There!
> 
> Also sorry for not updating for a half a year here are my excuses:  
> 1- I'm suffering  
> 2- I'm garbage  
> 3- ????  
> 4- College

It didn’t take long at all for word to spread. Word of your embarrassment, of your failure, of your failed introspection; word of your suicide attempt. Dave was painted as some sort of hero before he started yelling at them. That was after you got out.

You were in the hospital for five days, you got out so early because you fought them. You did not want to be in there. The blankets, the blank stares, the groups, the shitty food and coloring time. It was all hell. You hated every minute of that godforsaken place. When you were out everyone was messaging you all of a sudden and you had a bit of a breakdown when you got home and back into your room. Luckily Dave was there to hold you.

You’ve never held on to someone so tight, it felt like you were going to be ripped from his arms if you didn’t put all your force into latching yourself around him. “It’s okay,” he repeated to you softly. It’s okay. It’s okay.

But that’s getting off topic. Dave hated being put on a pedestal after talking you down. You were going to let him be okay with it, but he couldn’t let himself be okay with it. You and all your friends gather in this weird off-hall that no one goes into to eat lunch so that you can freely open your mouth and call whoever you want a bitch ass shit-eating fuckstick without getting detention again. 

“Kay,” Dave says, setting down his drink and dusting imaginary food particles off of his shirt, “Kay guys I got something to say to y’all.” People look at him. He keeps a pretty unhappy look on his face. “You need to-- Not? You need to stop saying I’m a great person or a hero for doing what people should do, okay?” This is following a conversation on people to look up to. Dave was mentioned multiple times. You kept quiet on that one. “Just because you guys noticed and fucking disregarded the fact that he was hurting doesn’t make me a good person for acknowledging it. Okay?” He stands, “What is it with you people and just fucking ignoring problems? Like hell yeah I do it too, but really. Come on.”   
He stands and everyone is quiet. He swears under his breath and picks up his bag, and you leave with him. You couldn’t stay there after that production.

\- - - - - 

There’s absolutely something to be said about those who say nothing, and maybe even more to be said about those who seem like they say everything, but say nothing.

That last one is your dear friend Karkat Vantas, who you had been growing distant from at the time that he attempted suicide. He never seemed to close his mouth, running it on about something or other. You and your girlfriend, Rose, had noticed that his words became more… tired? Is tired a good word for that? The fire behind his words, the flames that lit the furnace in his chest and kept him roaring, it seemed to dull down gradually. He went from throwing the closest sandwich at someone who dared contradict him, to someone who seemed so apathetic. He would slump against the wall and listen to music quietly while everyone spoke. Then when the bell rang, he would stalk away without a word.

On that night, he had messaged you a simple hello. You kept up a conversation for a few minutes, you guess. It was three messages. “Hello”, “I’m with Rose,” and “It’s late, just go to sleep.” And then he apparently proceeded to stay up for 4 more hours torturing his mind and mutilating his body, then attempting to shoot himself in the head. Every time you think about it, your stomach twists. 

You were so busy with this new girl you’ve found that you cast aside a childhood friend that you know has major issues. He can’t deal with them on his own either, and you knew that. Rose also knew. So did everyone. Your mind won’t let you sleep sometimes, you just think about what would have happened if someone wasn’t there to do the right thing. You’re too ashamed to look him in the face any more. It’s so hard to meet his eyes because all you see is someone who was hurt and left alone.  
You knew he had issues with depression and self harm, and now you feel like you’ve left him to die. You simply can’t look at him.

All you see is a friend that needed you, and that you cast aside.

\- - - - -

Now Vriska, you aren’t one to admit that you were ever in the wrong. You deny that you were to Terezi constantly. Karkat messaged you and you quite literally insulted him and didn’t message back because he had said something earlier in the day that hurt your ego. Something about small boobs and how you have them.  
Something in the back of your mind says you should apologize, and Terezi tells you to your face that you should. Even so, you can’t really bring yourself to do it. Because you know it’s your fault this time, that you played a huge part, and you can’t pin the blame on anyone else.

You’ve snapped at Terezi a few times, luckily she knows and actually points out that it’s just guilt. You sign into messenger and peer at the messages you two had exchanged a couple weeks ago. A, “hello”, then a, “why the fuck are you messaging me fuckface? Leave me alone.” Then an, “oh. okay.” You don’t know what to say. You type in, “I’m sorry.”   
It takes you a few minutes to press send and you don’t get a message back until tomorrow morning. It’s a carefully constructed let down. “No you’re not. You’re trying to feel better about being a bitch. Get over yourself.”

And you know that’s as close as you’ll get.

\- - - - -

You’re not cocky, but you did kind of make a mistake that night. Eridan Apmora, you arrogant bastard. You left him on read. Left him on read then posted on social media. If that isn’t 20th Century back stabbing, you don’t know what is.  
As far as you know, he never contacted Terezi, Gamzee, Feferi, Nepeta, Equius, Jade, John, Rose or Tavros. Aradia had been out with Tavros, so she had her phone off and never got back to him. Sollux never really told you what went on with him. Nobody really talked about what was said, or what wasn’t said, between them and Karkat. Just that they did message him. You’re nosey, you want to know. You want to know if anyone did anything worse than you, so you can feel better.

\- - - - - 

You are Sollux and you have said you’re sorry multiple times because you’re not an asshole. Karkat is one of your closest friends, you two enjoy gaming together, fucking around, and once actually fucking. You only did once, not again. It’s just something that happened and you two moved on.   
You didn’t answer him that night, but he’s told you that he understands, because he knows about how bad your Bipolar II gets and he knows how hard it is for you to do anything sometimes. Since the whole thing, you visited him in the hospital multiple times, sometimes twice a day. Visiting hours happen twice a day there. After he was out he’s stayed over at your house and you two did totally non romantic cuddling. It was nice just to hold him tight. It was nice to know that you both felt like shit and you were there for each other.  
You wanted to kiss him, you think. Really bad. But you didn’t, because he and Dave are together and you can’t add stress onto his life right now. Just because you’re lonely doesn’t mean the world will stop and hold you.

That’s okay. You liked cuddling him, and he seemed to like it, too. Maybe you can just make a habit out of it. You can have him come over and lay on top of you and press his face into your neck the way he does. He can curl up and let you hold him. He can rest against you and put pressure on your chest that makes you feel like you have no more stress. He can just be with you and you two can be damaged goods together while listening to music.  
You don’t want Dave to get testy though, so not too much. 

You hope that Karkat still messages you when he’s distressed, though. You want to be there for him. And you would get out of bed for him, even on your worst days.


End file.
